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Today sure was a long one. Not even sure where it all went. It's hard to know what I want in life. The only thing I think I would change in my life (beyond having universal basic income & also free healthcare, bare minimum) would be that I don't live with my parents, but I live with my best friend. B/c I have cats, and if I can ever figure out what job is gonna work best for me aka i can work it and still have energy and time to work on hobbies and creative projects. It's kind of amazing I'm even alive right now, considering my past.

I love life. Life has cats, wonderful little creatures. It has so much to offer. But how am I supposed to know, as a person, what choices to make? What to strive for? What happens if I'm content with "going nowhere" in terms of life? B/c I'm not. I will admit I need to get off my own back about the pace of my life, b/c it is what it is. None of my cats need to worry about anything close to this. But I do imagine what they'd say to me. They would tell me it was good I listened to myself. The position at work I passed would have only stressed me out at a job I really hate. And I will get back to switching jobs, maybe even I will quit this job & just do another retailer somewhere else.

I don't like working retail even if I am good at it. But what am I to do? I mean in terms of career. I got a degree in film which I don't regret but god I wish I'd double majored. And i mean that. B/c I should have also stuck with English. Not that my prospects would be any different, but I think I could at least somehow bullshit my way better through some sembalance of a career in that field then in the film field which I quickly disocvered. Tho, I also discovered it during my education b/c film ppl are insufferable. Also the industry is just... idk man

Then again, frankly everything confuses me. Navigating society is like trying to understand a foreign language sometimes. I know everyone else is also in the same boat. There are many, many people in a worse boat even. But I continue to be tired. On a physical level, as my job has my sleep schedule truly all over the place and my sleep schedule is naturally so wack & up and down. On a mental level. Emotional too. The whole world feels like it needs to rest. Rest. What even is that?

I do rest, some days more than I should. But I also think I ruin the much needed rest by my brain yelling at me about all the things I *should* be doing or this and that. Some of the time it even is true, like things I really really need to take care of and yet I do not. Instant paraylsis. I'm not checking the spelling on that, at least not right now. And maybe never bc changing things means going into the coding. I will seriously take one class on coding I think, a beginner one. Just to see. Maybe if it clicks with my head, I can somehow turn that into a career where I can earn just enough to maintain my just here to hang out vibes i'm bringing to life.

I admire the way cats don't seem to care, they flop down and sleep whenever they feel like it. Cats and ppl are obviously different, but we certainly can learn from cats. And I keep reminding myself that. It's not like Eda would let anyone stop her from sleeping. She doesn't let anything stop her from getting pets from me. It'll be another long day tomorrow, I'm afriad, but let's say this. I am always glad that tomorrow is another day. morning will always bring a new start to things. Today might've been a bad day, but tomrorow might not. Even if it is, we just try the next day.